I Ever Tell You About the Time…
by Suzu-chan
Summary: A collection of vignettes about Ellis's crazy death-defying daredevil friend Keith.


The Left 4 Dead series is the property of Valve. This isn't really much of anything, just a collection of short vignettes of what could be the back stories to Ellis's crazy Keith stories. I honestly can't get enough of them. This isn't all of them, just some of them that still make me laugh. So for the most part these are just short snippets of Ellis's tales, though the finale of this fanfic is something of a representation to the finale of Dark Carnival.

I Ever Tell You About the Time…

"_I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drowned in the tunnel of love?__"_

_God_, it was starting to get boring. Ellis took another swig of his beer and sighed dejectedly, leaning against the mesh fence, watching all the other amusement park goers having fun. He looked at his bottle for a moment before tossing it into the nearest trashcan, even though it was a half-full bottle.

But…they'd thought he was drunk, so it probably wasn't a good idea to _actually _get drunk. Was it really so wrong for a grown man to want to have a go on the Lil' Peanut Trains? He loved Kiddie Land!! His grandma use to bring him here every weekend!!!

But they'd thrown him off the ride, and most of the rides had banned him. It was no sweat though, since the carnies wouldn't even remember this _next_ weekend. But it ruined his fun right now. Now he had no choice but to hang around and wait for Keith. The lucky bastard managed to snag Priscilla Sue, one of the prettiest little things in town, and they'd headed off for the Tunnel of Love. Ellis couldn't help but snort. A trip through the Tunnel of Love lasted ten minutes at best. It'd been twenty minutes since the couple went in, and he didn't need to imagine _what_ they were doing in there.

So it was quite surprising to see Priscilla Sue storming away from the Tunnel of Love, a look of exasperation on her face. Confused, Ellis ran over to her. "Hey, where's Keith?"

"Keith?" Priscilla Sue actually _floundered_ over the name. Ellis gaped at her as she struggled to place the name with a face, never mind she'd just been with the guy. "Oh, ya mean the drowned fellow?"

"…Drowned?" asked Ellis, nearly stunned beyond words.

"Yeah, the idiot fell out of the swan and hit his head on the bottom of the river. He started bobbing up and cryin' like a little sissy, and I kept tellin' him to stand up. I mean, it wasn't even two feet deep!!! He kept tellin' me to help him, but that water is _dirty_!!! Can ya believe he wanted to get _this_ wet?!" she motioned to her thigh-high sun dress. "I just bought this!!!"

"So you let 'im _drown_?!?!" yelled Ellis. He took off running for the Tunnel of Love.

"I don't want my dress wet!!!" she called after him, but Ellis ignored her.

A crowd had formed around the mouth of the entrance and Ellis picked up the pace. The guy who ran the ride suddenly came out of the exit, looking like he was dragging a sack of sand. Ellis recognized a head bobbing in the guy's arms. "KEITH!!!!"

The carnie dumped Keith's body unceremoniously onto the ground outside, cursing to himself. "Goddamned idiot kid, drowin' in the Tunnel of Love—"

"KEITH!!!" Ellis knelt down by his best friend's side. His eyes were closed and he looked unresponsive. "Buddy, say somethin'!!! Y'all right?!?!"

Keith's eyes suddenly snapped open. He grinned goofishly and gave Ellis thumbs up. "I'm cool."

Keith may have drowned in the Tunnel of Love, but he didn't die. A little water in the lungs apparently doesn't hurt you too much.

*

"_My buddy Keith tried camping out on top of a building once."_

"We have you surrounded!!!!" bellowed the cop into a megaphone. "There's nowhere for you to hide!!! Come down with your hands up!!!"

"_Didja tell 'im I'm just campin'__?!"_

Ellis looked up at the building for a long moment before he spoke into the phone. "I tried, buddy, but they ain't lettin' me by the yellow tape. One of 'em tried to clock me in head, sayin' I was all interferin' and shit."

"_But I ain't no robber!!!" _shouted Keith on the other line, his tone full of desperation.

"Well shit, they ain't listenin' to me. Why don't you try surrenderin' or somethin'?"

"_...Yeah. Maybe I should__. Hang on."_

Ellis hung up the pay phone and leaned against the side of the building. A few seconds later, he saw Keith's body on the ledge, waving his arms. "I'm surrenderin'!! I—"

"HE'S GOT A GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" one officer shrieked.

"GET 'EM!!!!!" Riot police began pelting the roof mercilessly with tear gas. Ellis could hear Keith screaming from the roof, but the cops weren't letting up.

"He's only shootin' crows with the gun!!!" yelled Ellis, trying to get the cops' attention. "And he ain't holding it!!! That's his goddamned cell phone!!!"

After firing about fifty cans of tear gas onto the roof, the police let up. But everyone could still hear Keith screaming.

He cried and screamed for nearly a year every time he opened his eyes. And every time he did, everyone got a good laugh out of it.

*

"_I ever tell you about the time me and Keith made a homemade bumper car ride with ridin' mowers in his backyard?"_

"What'd I tell ya, Ellis?!" yelled Keith, slapping the side of the lawnmower. "We don't need no Whispering Oaks bumper car shit when we got 'em right here!!!!"

"But I like their bumper cars," said Ellis, though he looked impressed by their work. "Ya sure your ma won't miss these?"

"You crazy?!?! When's the last time she used 'em?! Not since she lifted 'em off Old Harris, that's for sure!!!" he swung onto the mower as though he were a cowboy swinging into a horse's saddle. "C'mon, let's give 'em a try!!!"

Ellis grinned and jumped up into his own. "Yeah!!!"

The motors gave a loud buzz and both guys went careening around the backyard, hammering the overgrown grass into mincemeat, doing figure eights and bumping into each other.

"Yeeeah!!!" yelled Keith, swinging his arms like he was in a rodeo. "I told you this was a good idea!!!"

Ellis 'whooped', spinning his own mower in a circle a few times. He _did_ like the bumper cars at Whispering Oaks—maybe more than these—but he didn't need to pay no two dollars to ride these babies.

"Hoo-whee, I'm a cowboy!!!" yelled Ellis, swinging his arm as well.

"Hey Ellis?!" yelled Keith. He did a series of very quick figure-eights.

"What?!"

"Why do they call 'em cowboys if they ridin' horses?!"

"Well _horseboy_ don't sound excitin', does it?!"

"Nah, it doesn't—HOWHOA!!!!!"

Ellis turned his head at Keith's surprised shout. Right before his eyes his buddy suddenly, and unexplainably, pitched over the front of his still-moving riding mower. "KEITH!!!!"

"WAAAAHHH!!!!!" Keith shrieked like a little girl as his blood splashed all over the grass.

"What the hell are ya idiots doing?!?!" yelled Keith's mom from their back porch.

As it turned out, the motor blades left slices over ninety percent of Keith's body, and he lost quite a bit of blood. But hey, he was lucky. Outside of some sickening scar tissue on his back, he didn't lose any fingers.

*

"_I ever tell you about the time me and Keith sn__uck a paintball gun on a rollercoaster?"_

"They gonna see us, y'know," said Dave, looking down at the paintball gun in his hand.

"Naw, Charlie got high about five minutes ago, he won't see shit," assured Keith. He shoved his paintball gun into the back of his pants. "You guys ride up front; Ellis and I will ride in the back."

"C'mon!!!" cried Wilson, running to get in line for the Screaming Oak. He was hiding his paintball gun poorly behind his back.

"The rules are to aim and shoot," said Keith as they took their places in line. "We'll count the number of hits on each other at the end of the ride."

"Sounds easy enough," said Ellis.

Keith chuckled. "Man, I tell you guys that this'll be the greatest sport ever!! They oughta make it an _Olympic_ sport!!"

"Yeah, I'd win a medal!!" laughed Wilson. "I know me some countries I'd shoot to all hell!!!"

"Let's just see if we'll actually get on," said Dave.

After waiting in line for fifteen minutes, it was their turn. Ellis walked passed Charlie, who reeked strongly of reefer, and tried very hard not to laugh. He kept his paintball gun at his side but then shoved it in between his legs after they sat down.

"On your mark!!!" yelled Keith, readying his paintball gun. The coaster jerked forward as it started. "Get set…GO!!!!!"

Paintball coaster _was_ a lot of fun, even if these four young men were badly bruised from their close-range shots. Paint splattered all over their clothes and faces. Pellets smack into the side of the cars, support beams, and unfortunately the riders sitting in between them.

It didn't occur in Keith's master plan to consider the collateral damage of the other paying riders. As many hits as they got on each other, more of them hit these people at even closer range.

When the car came back to the gate they were all arrested and even tasered when the cops mistook their paintball guns for _real_ guns. They were given a lifetime ban from the Screaming Oak, but as it turned out Charlie wouldn't ever remember the ban, as he admitted the same four guys the following week.

But hey, Keith and Ellis won the match.

*

"_I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith fell out the rollercoaster?"_

"We out of money, Keith," said Ellis dryly, swigging a mouthful of beer. "Charlie won't let ya on easily."

"But I want on the Screaming Oak!!!" said Keith, looking forlornly at the roller coaster. "I've ridden it every weekend!!!"

"Sorry, man. I'd give ya money if I had it."

"No, no." Keith shook his head. Suddenly, a glint appeared in his eyes. "I got it!!!"

"Got what?"

Keith suddenly shoved Ellis in Charlie's direction. "You go distract Charlie, Ellis!! I'm gonna sneak on the ride!!"

"You think Charlie won't notice an extra person?" asked Ellis, though he made his way towards the Screaming Oak. "What about the other people on the ride?"

"Just shut up and make somethin' up!!!" Keith ran over to the fence alongside the Screaming Oak and slid through a hole in the mesh.

Jealous that he wouldn't be able to get on, but eager to help a friend, Ellis proceeded to cut the long line for the roller coaster and made his way over to Charlie. "Hey yo, Charlie!!!"

The older man glared at Ellis. "Get yer scrawny ass back in line, El!!"

Ellis knit his brow. Why did the guy have to make his name sound so girly?! "Nah, nah, I ain't gettin' on the ride!!! I just wanna talk!!!"

"Really?!" Charlie leaned in closer to Ellis. He wasn't high, but his clothes reeked of stale pot. "What're you pullin'?!"

"Nothin'." Ellis could see Keith creeping along the structure of the Screaming Oak. All Charlie would have to do was turn his head and he'd see him. "Say, d'ya like the Midnight Riders?!" He'd asked Charlie this question tons of times, and the answers were always the same; negative and long-winded.

Charlie made a face. "Those _fags_ haven't made a good album in years!!! I would've sold my right NUT to see 'em in the eighties but now?!?! Fuck no!!!"

Keith was now _behind _Charlie on the other side of the tracks. The roller coaster cars pulled in and eager teenagers hopped out. Keith scrambled into a seat barely before the teenage girl who'd occupied it got out.

Charlie continued with his tangent against the Midnight Riders, even as the paying customers filed onto the coaster. "And what's up with Ox, man?!?! Somebody give that fatass some heroin, he can't even fit into a drummer's seat!!! His fucking _third chin_ jiggles when he beats those drums!!!"

The seats filled up and Charlie pulled the lever on the controls.

"Hey, that ASSHOLE didn't pay!!!" someone shouted, pointing at Keith.

Charlie spun around, but it was too late. The coaster was already moving. "Keith!!! You little shithead!!!"

"Sayonara, Charlie!!!" laughed Keith, waving to them as he passed.

Charlie immediately turned on Ellis. "You kids have fucked with me for the _last time_!!!!"

"Oh shit!!!" Taking this as his cue, Ellis took off running for his life. Thankfully, Charlie didn't chase him...or rather, _couldn't_ chase him. The poor old man's left foot was hooked into the stool he sat on and he took a hard fall to the floor.

Ellis ran until he was sure he was safe, but not so far that he couldn't see the roller coaster. Keith was in for a serious ass-whooping once he got off the ride, but he was certain his friend was enjoying the ride while he could.

Shielding a hand over his brow, Ellis watched the coaster make the stiff turns and steep climbs up and down hills. It looked like fun. Keith definitely owed him for this. Maybe his buddy could distract Charlie next week long enough for Ellis to sneak on the ride?

"WAAAAHHH!!!!!"

Ellis nearly fell over at this scream. Sure, people screamed on the Screaming Oak all the time, but not like this. Suddenly he saw a shadow fall straight out of the car and down, down...onto a row of tracks below.

And he knew who it was. "KEITH?!?!"

"OWWWWW!!!!" yes, it was Keith. The poor idiot was rubbing at his head and he stood up. He looked around himself, as though he were confused. "Hey, I'm on the tracks!!! Isn't this awesome?!?!"

"Heeey, Keith!!!" yelled Ellis, waving at him. "Ready to go now?!?!"

"Oh man, this is great!! I can run the Screaming Oak now!!!"

It was then that Ellis heard it. The screeching sound of the roller coaster as it started up again. There was no way Charlie couldn't have noticed Keith's fall.

But he started it _again_?!?!

"Keith, GET OFF!!!" he shouted, even as he ran towards the front of the line. "The car's coming!!!!"

"Ellis, give me a brea—HOLY SHIT!!!!"

The roller coaster car _was_ coming at him!!! And none of its passengers seemed to care!!!

Keith screamed and made a mad dive over the side. He was thirty feet off the ground, so free-falling would seriously injure him. But staying on the active tracks would certainly _kill_ him. He hooked his arms into one of the support beams and hung on as the wooden beams rattled as the roller coaster went by.

He couldn't climb down, because the nearest beam beneath him was too far away. His only choice was to climb back up on the track.

"Charlie!!!" Ellis ran to the front of the line again, ignoring the cursing of the people waiting. "Charlie, stop the ride!!! Keith's on the track!!!"

Charlie gave him a look that clearly showed he didn't give a shit. "Oh, ya mean the moron who snuck on without paying?!?!" the car arrived at the gate and its passengers disembarked, all of them laughing. "Next!!!!"

"You're gonna keep it going?!?!" cried Ellis. "You'll kill 'im, Charlie!!!"

"Well, next time he oughta pay for the damn ride instead of sneaking on."

"But—"

The roller coaster departed the gate. Ellis ran over to the security rail. "Keith, Charlie ain't stopping the ride!!!! You gotta get off on your own!!!!"

"He's bullshittin' you, Ellis!!! He'll let me o—WAAAAHHH!!!!!" he screamed and dodged the car again.

No, Charlie wasn't bullshitting. He didn't appreciate it when some punk got a free ride. So poor Keith spent twenty minutes dodging the roller coaster car, all the while Ellis yelling at him to just climb down.

After this incident, Keith swore never to ride the Screaming Oak again. Of course, he forgot this the following weekend when he boarded the ride with Ellis and the rest of their friends. Charlie in turn had also forgotten that Keith was the idiot who didn't pay the previous week.

*

"_I ever tell you about the time Keith and I made fireworks?"_

"You have the fireworks?!" demanded Dave, stomping his foot impatiently.

"Hell YEAH!!!!" yelled Keith. He hefted a gasoline jug onto his shoulder. "This here'll burn just right!!!!"

"Gasoline?!" cried Wilson. "That ain't no fireworks!!!"

"Just wait a minute!!!" said Ellis, raising a hand. "Gasoline burns, don't it? Well, we'll just stuff 'em in some bottles and light 'em with sparklers!!!"

"Those are mollies, not fireworks!!!" said Dave.

"Just shut up and wait a minute!! Ellis, do you have the sparklers?!"

"Right here." Ellis pulled a box of sparklers out of his back pocket and opened them. "How many do you want per bottle?"

"I dunno...ten?" Keith poured some of the gasoline into an empty beer bottle.

"_Ten_?!" cried Ellis, aghast. "But this box only has twenty in 'em!!!"

"Twenty?!?! Why didn't you lift more?!?!"

"I told ya they saw me stuff these in my drawers!!! I couldn't grab more!!!"

"Well, whatever!!!" Keith grabbed a handful and shoved them into the full bottle.

"I...don't think this is a good idea," said Ricky, slowly backing up.

"Just shut up and enjoy the show!!! Anyone have some matches?!"

"Here." Dave tossed him a box of matches. "But I'm tellin' ya these'll be some shitty fireworks."

"Ha!!! Ya'll just pissed I came up with this great idea before ya'll did!!!" Keith set the bottle down on his mother's plastic picnic table. "Get ready..."

As he started trying to spark a match, everyone started backing up. Ellis glanced towards Keith's house, wondering if his mom would notice the fireworks show in her backyard.

"There!!!" Keith got a match going. "Prepared to be...uh, _dazzled_!!!"

He lit the sparkles. Within seconds all of them were burning, sending sparks everywhere.

And then...

**BOOM!!!!!!!**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!!!!!!"

"KEITH!!!!" right before Ellis's eyes, Keith's entire body before an inferno. He screamed shrilly and ran wild circles all over the backyard.

"HOLY SHIT!!!!!" shouted Ricky.

"Drop and roll!!!! DROP AND ROLL!!!!!" cried Wilson.

"We gotta put 'im out!!!!" Ellis looked around for something to put the flame out. He spotted an unopened six-pack of beer, stilling connected together by plastic. He grabbed it and ran after Keith, trying frantically to open each can at once.

"Hey, that's MY beer!!!!" yelled Dave.

Ellis dosed Keith with the beer as best as he could, but it did very little. Thankfully, luck was on Keith's side as he ran towards the patio doors of his mom's house. Keith's mom came out with a fire extinguisher and promptly blasted him, putting the flames out.

"Look what ya did to my backyard!!!!" she wailed, kicking her son in his burnt leg.

"Louisa, what the _hell_ are ya cookin'?!" a neighbor shouted over the fence. "It smells like shit!!!!"

Poor Keith sustained burns over ninety-five percent of his body. He was in the hospital for _months_, his whole body in a cast. It was hard for Ellis to go and visit him because he looked like he was in so much pain. It seemed like only his face was spared from the burns.

But hey, it was one hell of a light show.

*

"_I ever tell you about the time Keith tried to deep fry a turkey?"_

"Uh...I don't think this is a good idea," said Ellis, playing with his beer idly.

"Why not? I deep-fry chicken wings all the time!!! How's this any different?!?!" Keith was practically dumping his mom's entire bag of flour all over the 12-pound frozen turkey. "We don't have any chicken wings, so this'll do."

Ellis sipped his beer, noting Keith's long sleeves despite the hot weather. He was out of the body cast, but his burns still needed some healing. "Do ya think ya'll should be operatin' a deep-fryer in your condition?"

"What condition?! I'm _fine_, Ellis!!!" Keith shook his head irritably. "I'm just hungry, is all."

"Hmm."

"All right, let's check on the deep-fryer." Keith looked inside the deep-fryer. The oil was bubbling like water in a hot pot. "Yep, looks about ready."

"I gotta whizz. I'll be right back." Ellis took his beer and headed into the bathroom. He calmly did his business, though his mind drifted back to that whole turkey, ready to be deep-fried. But man, he was hungry too. He pictured the crispy bird, golden-brown and juicy. Keith would probably eat most of it, though...

**KABOOM!!!!!!!**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!!!!!!"

Ellis had been washing his hands when an explosion rocked the very foundation of the house. Abandoning his beer, he ran out of the bathroom and into a hallway filled with black smoke. He wiped the air in front of him, trying to make it to the kitchen.

Everything was on fire in the kitchen, though the fires were small. A massive hole stretching from the ceiling to the floor was implanted in the wall, right where the deep-fryer had been.

And Keith...Keith was running wildly throughout his mom's backyard, his body on fire. He dropped to the grass, tried to roll around, but it didn't work. He got back up and continued running wildly.

Ellis stood at the mouth of the hole, calmly sipping his beer. There was only one way he could sum up this situation.

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit."

Third degree burns over ninety percent of his body, right on top of the fireworks burns that had yet to heal.

Ellis looked at the grouping of doctors outside of Keith's room. Most of them were mumbling about what a moron he was to keep getting the injuries he had. They were all doctors Keith's family doctor had called to look at his weird burns.

Shrugging to himself, Ellis went into Keith's room. He was back in the body cast and the room smelled pretty bad. He tried not to wince as he sat down. "Hey, Keith."

"Hey, Ellis." Keith couldn't turn his head, but he seemed to be in a good mood. "I ain't ever seen so many doctors in my life. Are they filim' ER or somethin'?"

"Nah, they just wanted to see your burns." Ellis rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "But hey, it ain't all too bad. They was sayin' you could win a Darwin Award, or somethin'."

"Darwin Award?" Keith glanced at him. "All right, I won an award?"

"Nah, they says you got an Honorable Mention."

"Awwww..." Keith thumped his head against the pillow. "That sucks..."

*

"_I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith got rolled by a 'gator in a swamp?"_

"Here, 'gator, 'gator, 'gator." Keith tried to use a coaxing tone, holding out a hand towards the lounging 'gator in question.

"Look, there it is!!!" cried Ellis, pointing to another 'gator close by. "Hurry, let's get it before this one swims away!!!"

Keith laughed as he inched closer to the 'gator. "All those idiots still doin' illegal cockfighting...'gator fightin's where it's at!!!"

"The other one's still swimming," said Ellis. "Looks like we'll have to drag that one there over to this one!!"

"I'm on it!!!" Keith made a mad-lunge and hooked his arms around the 'gator's legs. The 'gator let loose a roar and dove under the water. Keith was still hanging onto it and so he went under as well.

He was under for three seconds before he resurfaced. "I got it!!!!" He went back under and came back up five seconds later. "I got it!!!!" he went back under.

"You don't got it!!!!" laughed Ellis, slapping his knee. One second passed, and then another. By the time ten seconds came along, and neither Keith nor the 'gator resurfaced.

"KEITH!!!!!!!" Ellis ran into the swamp after them. "Rub its belly!!!! RUB ITS BELLY!!!!!!!!!!!"

Keith was all right, though. It was a cold day and the 'gator weren't looking to be bothered. Still, he would've liked to have started 'gator-fighting.

*

"_I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drove his car off a cliff, broke both his legs?"_

"This ain't gonna work!!!" said Ricky, folding his arms over his chest.

"I sure hope it don't work," said Dave. "I got me fifty bucks ridin' on this!!"

"You have fifty bucks?" asked Ellis.

"No."

"All right, guys!!!!" Keith was on the other side of the gorge, standing on the hood of his car. He loved this car, cherished this car. Never mind it was a piece of shit car. "I'm ready to go!!!!"

"You're gonna choke!!!!" yelled Dave.

"Hurry up and do it!!!" yelled Wilson.

"Keith, Dave don't have the money!!!" yelled Ellis suddenly.

"Shut up, man!!!" hissed Dave, jabbing him in the ribs.

"All right, I'm doin' it!!!!" Keith hadn't heard Ellis at all, and climbed into his car. They could hear the engine roaring from where they were standing. After a few moments, Keith put the car wildly in reverse.

"Just land on the ledge right there!!!" yelled Dave, pointing to a ledge some twenty feet under the cliffside. "Don't do anythin' stupid, Keith!!!"

_Ai__n't this already stupid?_ Ellis wondered, but he didn't say it aloud.

Keith put the pedal to the medal and his car took off. It was a piece of shit car, but it could sure go fast. It zoomed over the dirt and flew right over the edge in less than five seconds.

Only...it missed the small ledge it was suppose to land on.

"KEITH!!!!" they all shouted, running to their side of the gorge. The car fell several feet past the ledge before it hit a gigantic rock.

Right before Ellis's eyes, the windshield shattered like candy glass, and Keith sailed right through it. He did a couple of wide flips through the air before his body landed on another ledge.

Legs-first.

"WAAAAHHH!!!!!"

Both of Keith's legs snapped in half like a pair of twigs. He flopped on the ground like a fish, screaming like a girl.

All of them stared at him stunned for a long moment. Finally, Dave broke the silence.

"Hey Keith!!!! I ain't got no fifty bucks!!!!"

*

"_My buddy Keith lived in a graveyard once for a whole year -- it wasn't a dare or nothin', he just got kicked out of his house."_

"_Ellis, you gotta help me!!!!!"_

"Hmph?" Ellis rubbed at his eyes as he held the phone to his ear. "Who this? Keith?"

"_Ellis, I'm dyin'__!!! A ghost sneaked up on me and stabbed me in the back!!!!"_

"Stabbed you?" Ellis looked at his clock radio 3:45 a.m. He had to be at the shop in four hours. "You drunk, Keith?"

"_No, I ain't drunk!!! I was __sittin' here on top this building thing—ya know, those tomb buildings they put dead people in—and a ghost sneaked up behind me and stabbed me!!!!"_

Ellis rubbed a hand over his face. "Is it really a ghost, Keith?"

"_Hell yeah!!! It's a real livin'__ ghost!!! White sheet and everyth—OW!!!! OW, OW, OW!!!! Stop stabbin' me, you goddamned ghost!!!!"_

"G'night, Keith." Ellis hung up the phone and rolled over onto his side.

As it turned out, not only was Keith stabbed fifteen times in the back, but that ghost stole all his money too. But it wasn't a big deal; the ghost used a short and very dull knife on him and so the blade barely pierced past his hypodermis.

*

"_One time the army bombed my buddy Keith."_

"_Ellis, they killin'__ me!!!!"_

"Who is?" asked Ellis blandly. He looked over his shoulder to see his boss waving at him furiously.

"_The go__ddamned army!!! They be droppin' bombs on me and—"_ the was a loud, fizzled explosion in the background. _"WAUGH!!!! I can't see!!! This is the worst shit ever!!!"_

"Worse than the tear gas thing?" Ellis waved half-heartedly at his boss. "Look man, I gotta go. Skinny already said he wouldn't rehire me if he fired me again."

"_I can't see!!!! I'm blind!!!! Call 'em and tell 'em I ain't no terrorist!!! I just tryin' to camp!!!!"_

"How in the hell am I suppose to call the army, Keith? Shit, I gotta go." Ellis abruptly hung up the phone as his boss started walking towards him.

Keith made it out all right, though. Ellis didn't see him for about six months, and didn't mention the incident ever again, but he was okay.

---

"Turn on the lights!!!!"

"On it!!!!" Rochelle had run up the stadium stairs and she turned on the stage lights. Ellis had been on the stage when this happened, and the abrupt, loud sounds of the lights switching on startled him slightly.

But that was when he saw it; the stage microphone.

He stared, transfixed on this piece of equipment, as much as he'd been transfixed onto the mural of the Midnight Riders on the back wall. He'd seen them live before; Keith and he drove all the way to Atlanta to see their concert. Got caught right in the middle of a biker mosh pit. Poor old Keith was stomped right into the stadium floor.

He scraped out of it with only a few bruises though, so that's okay.

Ellis stood in front of the mike, watching the others gather gasoline jugs and boxes of fireworks. The irony was almost beautiful to Ellis. "Check one," he said slowly, and was pleased to hear his voice echo.

A wide grin broke out on his face and he ran to retrieve one of the guitars from the stage. Strumming it very poorly, he ran back to the mic, nearly knocking it over in his enthusiasm. "Every lady's crazy when her daddy's not around!!!!" he bellowed out at the top of his lungs.

"Ellis, what the hell are you doing?!" shouted Nick from the base of the stage. "Help us set everything up!!!"

"Wait, is that mic hot?!?!" yelled Coach. "All right!!!!" he bounded onto the stage. He just about knocked Ellis off the stage as he grabbed the microphone in both hands. "GOTTA REACH FOR THE TOP!!!! STAY ON THAT MOUNTAIN!!!!!!!!! DUNH-NUH-**NAH**-NUH-**NAH**-NHA!!!!!!"

"Oh Jesus," grumbled Nick, slapping a hand over his eyes.

"EVERY LADY'S CRAZY WHEN HER DADDY'S NOT AROUND!!!! DUNH-NUH-**NAH**-NUH-**NAH**-NHA!!!!!!"

"Hell yeah, that's pretty good!!!" shouted Ellis, clapping his hands. "Here, let me try this!!!" he proceeded to smash his guitar on the stage.

Rochelle was laughing so hard, despite the situation, that she fell onto the floor. Nick stared at all of them like they were crazy. "Can we take the situation _seriously_ now?"

"Okay, okay." Ellis tossed aside his now broken guitar and raced over to the control panel for the finale. "Everybody ready?"

Nick and Rochelle raced up onto the stage and everyone got their weapons ready. Ellis set the finale in motion and with a loud 'whoop' hopped straight over the panel. "I can't _wait_ to tell Keith about this!!!"

---

Thanks for reading!!!!


End file.
